If there is a next time

“I’ll do things differently”

I say this all the time to myself after a situation or event happens that did not have a pleasing outcome. There are always external things that I cannot change but being the self reflective person I am, I look to see how I played a part.

When I am alone and in the reflective stage I replay the images over and over thinking why did this happen? How did this happen? What do I do now?

Depending on the circumstance there might not be anything I can further do and the unpleasing result is what I am stuck with or there is a tomorrow and I can deal with it then. In some situations when I have to leave the disappointing end I tell myself “If there is a next time, I’ll do things differently”.  The outcome was not what I had imagined and so left me regretful or hurt and I vow next time I will get better results. Next time I’ll do things differently so, next time I’ll get it right.

Some things let me test out my promises by happening again. Depending on the situation I either completely forget my vow due to being in the moment or I recall what I said I will change and make an attempt.

My siblings are great and as I am the youngest I have had siblings all my life. So why I still fail at disagreements is a mystery. These sibling disagreements are when I forget all my promises to be the bigger man or ignore them. Instead because I am in the heat of the moment I get raging mad. I say things that are uncalled for and sometimes retaliate. I am trying to be a mature adult so I dislike losing myself in these situations so that is why I tell myself next time I’ll do better. When it comes to my family everything will be calm after a few hours or days so I never get to down about the disagreements.

In some cases I am able to remember my promises to do things differently next time but still do not get great results. It happens when I have the opportunity to build a new acquaintance or friendship. I tell myself that the way I was hurt in the past will never happen again and I will not be left used again. This thought process created walls and walls around me. I started wearing a mask and never allowed people get too close or personal with me. I started to believe I will be rejected so instead of letting that happen I created this lone wolf persona. The only probably with being a lone wolf is that you are alone. Trust me I love my alone time but I do enjoy the company of people as well. I was really missing out on experiencing things with people because I was scared.

I listened to my vow but I still did not have the results I wanted in term of relationships. I had to go back to myself and think how I could change this. Where I went wrong was thinking I do not want to be hurt again. The thing is that people hurt one another because we are imperfect however; if I surround myself with genuine people who are intentional about the relationship when I feel hurt I can communicate with them and resolve the issue. Also I decided to go into relationships with a giving attitude and not focusing on what I can get. I wanted to make people laugh and I wanted to be a good listening ear. I have met and solidified a few good relationships with changing how I do things.

There are still many things I working out and trying to find the right balance to. I am always about doing things differently because I believe I have more control over my situations if I am pro active and intentional.

Keep going through this journey with me by sharing your experiences on things you try to do differently.

Jem 🙂

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