Most days I sit down with the same person and we have some conversations; it mostly is a one sided conversation where one person does all the talking. These encounters used to always drain me. But we meet often regardless because I cannot shake them away and it is possible I might have to live my whole life with them following me. Sometimes we meet early for breakfast, other times a lunch arrangement is agreed upon but there is also the occasional right before bed with a snack talks available.
My meetings are with fear. Willing and unwilling he used to summon me and I must attend. Inconvenience is his specialty as he enjoys coming right before I have something important to do. He jumps at me right when I am making new acquaintances; he pulls a chair in front of me while working on a project. Fear does this at those times because he feels he needs to tell me everything that is wrong with me and why I am about to mess up. He tells me is he looking out for me and saving me from disappointment because he already knows that I am going to fail.
I used to live my life attending these meeting unwilling and leaving defeated from the emotional beat down. To try and avoid fear I started living my life doing the least as possible to avoid drawing attention. I figured he only comes when I’m doing good or I have something new so I’ll stop. Thinking like this meant I stopped living. My life because smaller and I let fear win. His intentions were always to steal my life. I gave up and I let him.
As I got closer to my faith and Jesus my perspective began to change. I could no longer allow my uninvited guest to run my life and keep me in hiding. I wanted to be excited about life and new opportunities but fear did not allow me to do that because he was still calling things on his terms.
To show him I was serious about taking back control of my life I needed to start calling him up for dates. So when he turned up I’d be ready. I’ll explain to him that I am aware that I am unqualified and not enough however, I am going to do that thing anyway. I let him know that it is true that I could get hurt and rejected but I could also be loved and accepted. I tell fear that I am ready to fight him every day. Follow me all my life if you want but I will not allow you in the captain’s seat. This life is mine and I am taking back my life. When we meet I do all the talking now, I do not let him speak his opinion to me nor do I even try to defend myself. When we meet on my terms I tell him what I am doing, that I am moving forward and then I leave before the coffee arrives. The dates are definitely getting shorter as I am not wasting much of my energy on him anymore.