When I decided that I wanted to begin this journey towards living a fulfilled and meaningful life I set my goals for growth. There is not a perfect version of life available however I want to be able to measure that I am making an impact, this will be in the form of progress. Growth to me meant all areas in my life flourish. One of the biggest areas within my life that lacked in substance were my relationships. I had built relationships on a persona that enabled me to interact with people, I created a mask of what I wanted people to see and formed the bond through that.
Many of my relationships remained on surface level and I never really got to genuinely know someone or let someone know me. This is something I am still working on as it has taken years for me to relate to people in this fashion so changing the pattern did not happen overnight. The reason I desire to have true connections with people is because I realised that many of my experiences in the future I wish to share with people. I realised that I want to know someone and support them. I realised that I want to do nothing with people and still feel comfort from just being together. There is a certain type of energy that comes from being surrounded by loving people. I got a glimpse of this and it excited and frighten me.
I was determined that I will start to show people the real me, confident yet vulnerable to those who were sincere. I have started the process but it is still a very slow work. As I still have trouble being completely genuine about pain. When I am going through a really hard time it causes me to pull back from people. Recently I started avoiding people I used to enjoy spending time with. Cancelling plans or leaving early because I was not really present.
A few weeks ago I uploaded a short piece titled Hear Me
“I have a confession… I am not who you think I am
The brave, strong and independent girl you think you see actually does not exist. I am actually the great pretender. I fooled you, and you believe me.
Unfortunately, the jokes on me. You believed me.
So when I try to reach out for help you never hear me because you think I have it all together. When I tell you I am scared you think I am horsing about because it is unimaginable for you to think that there are things that make me cry at night.
So hear this confession. I am fragile and anxious. I get tired and lonely. I cannot do it on my own.
I was at a really low point in my life and I looked at the contacts on my phone but I could not find anyone to call. Someone that I trusted enough to share my thoughts and pain with. This was not because I did not have people who care for me at this point in my life but because I still struggle with communicating with them. About a week later I got a message from someone saying that they can’t help but think I’d not been myself lately. I had to decide if I’d be honest with my reply or pretend I was okay.
Coming out completely with my feelings was just too much of a big step, so I replied that I was really down the previous week but I wasn’t sure why. This for me was still a step towards peeling back my layers, allowing myself to be vulnerable. This week I was able to send another honest message. For me these are small victories. I ask questions about the well-being of my friends because I worry about them but, I always drew the line and was invasive when it came to questions about me. Honest relationships are a two-way thing. I am working on having relationships with substance so communicating is important. I have made progress because I can measure that in the past I would not have replied honestly to the messages. I am also working on trying to engage socially once again and taking myself out of solitude.