One of the seasons most people are familiar with is the lonely one. This can be about general feelings of lack of family or friends around; as well as a lack of a romantic relationship. I’ve experienced both within my journey so far. It’s something that requires regular work, because you can slip in and out of it. I’ve chosen to share how I’ve come to terms with dealing with a desire for a relationship. I am single so I’ve had to encourage myself to stay faithful to my beliefs and not compromise. There are times when I feel lonely because of the absence of romance in my life and have to remember certain truths.
First I remind myself that I believe God’s word which says “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” Genesis 2:18. I have a burning desire to do life with someone and from God’s word I know that it is a holy desire because He created me with that intent. I want to love and be loved. Have someone to share my thoughts and dreams with. Grow old and while learning together on the journey called life. This isn’t just a romantic fantasy that I want but this is what God placed in our hearts as part of being human. However before I came into genuine relationship with Christ my motivations were superficial. I wanted to be married for the white dress, and then it was for the sex, after that the babies. There’s nothing wrong with wanting those, but they were my main reasons for wanting a husband. I’ve now come to an understanding that there is something more important than all those. A marriage should be about finding someone who you can do life with and that means serve God with. I believe that my husband and I should work and achieve goals with intent to bring glory to Christ. Don’t misunderstand I am still excited about a wedding ceremony, but now it’s truly about celebrating the joining to become one not just about my dress. I look forward to the sex still but I see it as being dependent on my spouse to fulfil my God given sexual desires. Oh and yes babies are still in the picture and I look forward to nurturing the next generation.
Before I got to this point I had to learn certain truths. Some were easier to take on board than others, but I feel they now help me have a healthy expectation of marriage. I understand that my spouse won’t bring me happiness. Happiness is within and no one can make me happy if I am not happy with myself. I also understand that my husband does not guarantee me financial security. My provider is God and He alone will I rely on as my source; my husband can be a medium for how God provides for me, but I know my resources come from God. My husband cannot give me perfect love. Humans are fickle and it’s too much to expect that from them. I’ve also gotten rid of my check list. Replaced it for a one rule, which is to look for someone who loves and fears God as well as walks in the Spirit. This is because when they have a desire to please God it will be evident as they will be loyal, trustworthy and loving. I feel these are more important if I want to say ‘for better or for worse’. Perfection also does not exist; this truth alone is hard enough to believe because I loved watching romantic movies growing up. I also know that love is not a feeling but instead sacrificial and unselfish. One truth that I know people struggle with is exclusivity. Once again I refer back to the fact that God had put this desire in my heart hence I should not be concerned about what I so called have to give up.
To be honest I would like to get married young, I don’t see the point in waiting for a perfect time, age, income and more. I think growth can happen together. I look forward to fulfilling the desire for marriage. Even though I want this there are a few possibilities and lifestyles I’ve had to consider.
- The length of my singleness:
I’ve expressed how I would like to get married young but that is what I want, which is not necessarily what God wants for me. God knows when it’s best for me to commit to a union. I trust him. So this means I can be single for 1 year or 30 years depending on God’s plan for my life. I do believe I will get married that is not what I’m worried about. It’s the when. I want to be able to plan it into my life. Make my life a little easier. I want to plan my husband and children into my projects and future. I like knowing. However I can’t do that so I just have to do what God tells me and be patient.
- The difference between living expectant and waiting uninspired:
Once again my husband will not bring me happiness. I can make myself happy by setting my mind on God’s truth. I want to continue to learn about myself, grow closer to God and enjoy life. I want to do this while expecting one day God will make a divine connection. I am not going to wait to start my life when my husband comes. That is not using the time wisely. I also believe I should completely throw myself into serving God. This is because the bible says “An unmarried woman is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit” 1 Corinthians 7:34.
- I am not actively looking:
I am interested in starting a relationship however I am not going to go out of my way to make it happen. I want it to be as natural and genuine as possible. So my main concern with male Christians is friendship. I don’t want to see a guy I’m attracted to and just flirt or attempt to seduce him. I don’t believe in ‘The one’ in the way people describe it in that there is only one possibility. I think that ‘the one’ is simply when both parties are ready; their plans for the future can collide and have God as a priority. I believe in dating with a purpose, so I don’t intend to get into relationships thinking ‘lets us see where this goes’.
To finish up I deal with my loneliness by remembering these truths. I check my motives and pray. I believe in God’s plan for marriage. I trust God’s timing and so I chose to live my life wisely.