I’m trying to find a balance. I understand that change can mean take a new step but also mean stay. So I get confused about which I am meant to be following sometimes. I am changing and evolving, the things that used to feed me will either need to be changed or altered to fit my current situation.
I become aware of the areas that have lasted their season when things that used to work no longer. I am no longer able to recieve or feed from that source till satisfaction. It has become a point of lack because there is always more room that it was not able to reach. The source did not stop producing less, what in fact happened is that the space in which it used to fill changed.
My room has either increased to show growth or a new window was added to show depth in where I am. Through the detail or extention that occurred a new environment was created. So the tools that fed do not cover the entire space anymore.
This is a good thing that is happening as it means I am becoming a better version of myself, but it feelings unsettling going through the different processes. Vulnerability. Insecurity. Loneliness.
I start to feel unsure and anxious because I do not understand what I need in order to become full again.
I do not know how long I have to go about with what feels like a deficit. My friendship circle does not feel as lively and I feel out of place; does the change within me mean make new friends or wait until the flow comes back. If every time I changed it went and made new friends I won’t have lasting relationships. But there are sometimes when closeness is friendships was just meant to last a season. If not staying when I was meant to will cause me to lose genuine support and staying if I was meant to leave cause regress. I’m back at square one of not knowing how and when to move.
This is the same with family, jobs, education, holidays. My evolving self has caused me to stay in places for comfort because what is taking place within feels like a lot and I do not want to handle it. Even though things feel forced and I become frustrated I would stay because I know the routine. Other times I run and escape too soon. I miss opportunities because I did not give things time to establish.
Change is something I have to deal with as it is one of the only things that is certain about life. I want to be able to accept it and open my heart to the call.