To be known and to know others is an inate thing within us. Even an introvert like myself desires intimacy, to build genuine friendships. My struggle with my emotions and with how I viewed myself closed me off from people. I would sing ” Like every tree stands on its own
Reaching for the sky I stand alone.
I share my world with no one else.
All by myself I stand alone.” I thought it was best to live a life of solitude because of past rejects and fear.
I attempted to try to let people in through sharing about myself but as a result of still working through my dysfunction, I deveolped two extremes in my interactions with people. At different points in my life I either didn’t care or I cared too much about what others thought about what is/n’t happening in my life.
I can get so consumed with either and let that state of mind affect my decisions.
I listen because I want to please and be accepted. Then I don’t listen because I’m being selfish or lazy.
Yes it is true that sometimes you have to block out the voices and do what you feel is best for you. It is also true that advice from good hearted people should not just be considered but followed. My two extremes leave me off balance with life.
I have found at various moments I think how would others react to this and does it fit the image they have for me or expect from me. Honestly truly honestly I got a job at a place I thought would impress the people in my life; as it would look like I had it all together. It would say that I am worthy. I did this because I thought the me as I was would not have been accepted. There was also pride within my decision because I did not want others to see I was struggling. I thought if they saw any signs of vulnerability aka weakness they would leave me or mistreat me. Both scenarios invovled me being hurt. So I hid behind a mask, because that way it’s not really me they would reject once they got bored of me.
All of my phases are constantly teaching me about me. I am experiencing what works best for me and how to move forward in situations. I understand that sometimes telling too many people puts pressure on myself, I stop seeing them as people to be accountable to but spectators who are watching for entertainment. That job made me miserable and I could not tell anyone. It made me feel so alone even though I was surround by people.
To get free from my need to please people, I went completely cold. That did not work either because I was still being influenced by fear.
So I had to decide what was important to me first then take steps on that path. The right people will align with where I am going and I wouldn’t have to perform constantly. If I build myself within then the external relationships should not sway me but add and support my growth. Then I can interact and live life without being easily influenced.