One of my many dysfunctions is that I have extreme moods. I am either all in or not there at all. So when I life kept handing me disapppintments I decieded to leave the race.
I thought to protect myself I should apire to what is attainable, by having low expectations. Settling for less, I began to seek comfort, routine and stability. I thought it was fine because it’s good to have a vision of what you are working towards in life. However, if your vision for life starts to shrink your capacity when you know there is more within you that’s when somethings not right. Deep within your soul you are crying for more but restricted by your wrong ideals and beliefs. In my pursuit to have a painless reality, I came up with those three things as my core.
The cry of my heart for more did not allow me to stay so closed off. Life also started showing me glimpses of what could be if I allowed it. I couldn’t move on with those as my core for the reason of a painless life. I had to reevaluate my desires and ask myself if they were pure and aligned with God’s will. Life is not for me to create a picture perfect world for myself but to live full with purpose and meaningful connections that bring fruit to unforgettable experiences which will impact others.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a routine for your life as organisation is a factor is efficency. But I take things a step too far that I get too fixated on a routine and change scares me; also life becomes dull. I want to keep a routine in that I expect a standard for myself but it does not have to be mapped out and rigid. Stability is a good thing to seek, I want stability in my emotions, relationships, and career. I want to be confident in that even when circumstances aren’t perfect I can pull through in those areas. But once again I had made this good thing toxic because I created a mark. I told myself for me to be stable I can only cry once a month or there needs to be this much in my account and I have to have a boyfriend before I turn 20. This turned into pressure and more disappointments when I did not reach these things.
Kicking comfort right off the list was a necessity. I then replaced it with contentment. Someone who wants more from life cannot be comfortable all the time. You must be willing to live in uncomfortablity when you are aiming for growth. Being content to me means that I am present in all season of my life. Not necessarily happy with how things are going but present. Deciding to live through and do what needs to be done while having a good perspective. Contentment does not mean complacency or stagnation which needs to be clarified. It is wanting more but being present in right here right now.
Honestly I want more, I know the more I expect from life the more I can give to others from the overflow in mine. I want more because God has put so much in me and I should not hold myself back. Disappointments will come but having a good perspective and a willing heart will keep me focused. So I want to boldly say I want more.