My current biggest fear just happened. For months I’ve known it was a possibility but it was always in the distant future that I dreaded it happening. So I never planned how I would react if it did. Today I got my grades back for a particular class and I’m 3 credits short.
It is especially heartbreaking because I felt I worked so hard and I did my best and I’ve found out that wasn’t good enough. This result has put me in a place of uncertainty and worry; what do I do now, how am I going to make this work. I am now in a place of despair because I’m tired from having worked at the class for so long. My world has stopped, but the day is still moving on ahead without me.
A few months ago I was at a point where I thought I would be 6 credits short, but I somehow managed to get my grades up to only being 3 away. The sad part is that if I was already not going to get enough credits, I’d rather have been 6 short than 3. If I was going to fail, I wanted to fail miserably. Instead of failing because I was almost there, but not quite.
When I was doing well, I was thanking God and giving Him praise. Now I’ve not reached the mark so I can’t thank God for that.
The more I grow in myself and life keeps happening I feel I am reaching a place of stability in my faith. Even when things do not go as plan and disappoints come, my faith is stretched. My faith does not go away like it used to before. So now I can say from experience because I know and really belive God has got my back –
‘It is true that I can’t thank God for failing but it is also true that I can thank God for giving me the strength to finish the class in the first place. So this time I will praise the Lord’
Honestly, the year is not over and I can still get credits in not one but two other classes with extra work. It was just the significance of that class and getting those credits would have meant I would have been in a great place in September.
It just means I need to dream a new dream. I still have to work but I will redirect my focus. Learning to not become fixated on one thing because when it crumbles I lose my confidence.
There is more to me that just this part. I know this because it happened, I failed. But the sun is still out. Which means there is still opportunity. I will not leave the race early, I will see it through to the end.