The truth is I did love them more than I loved myself.
I found my worth on the attention I received from a guy instead of the fact that,
I alone am enough.
For me, the most important thing was how I wanted to care for and please the guy I had feelings for. My world rose and fell depending on how my relationship with the guy was going. It became an unhealthy obsession. I thought that loving someone more than loving myself showed a high level of sacrifice. Honestly I was trying to fool myself with this delusion.
I knew it was unhealthy because the guys never respected me through their actions. It was very defeating constantly feeling you were not good enough because of the lack of sincere and genuine treatment I received. Even still, I loved them more than myself.
If I love myself and truly believed in myself, I would not settle for such mistreatment. I always somehow fell for the same type, Mr unavailable.
When really what loving someone means you both share and receive mutually for each other’s support and growth. I was always giving too much. I didn’t really love them either because if I wanted them to be better I would not allow them to become cold toxic humans; I would have challenged them and told them it was not okay. I loved what I thought they could free me from, which was myself.
You see if I have the attention of a person I desired it could act as a distraction. I won’t have to be alone with myself, because I need to stay in constant communication with them. There would be absolutely no time for myself because I also need to inform the girls with the update of the relationship. Also my imagination would be too consumed with thoughts of ‘our’ future together, the wedding, the house, the jobs and and ….
It is a fun distraction because it is more tangible than watching tv or reading. As it lasts longer and it never has to really stop. It carries on until the relationship ends. Then there’s a short break and you find another one.
I don’t want it to stop, because it protects me from myself having to deal with the real issues. I do not love myself because I do not give myself opportunities to think about myself. Instead of being consumed about thought of will I make it in the end and am I successful. I focus on does he love me, because if that can affirm my existence its fine even if my dreams are falling. Even if my dreams are falling because I let them slip myself because I was scared; my dreams scare me.