I let my alter ego lead me for a while. She was everything I was scared to be and was better at doing life than I was. It was glossy and intriguing watching her. In my head I did not agree with everything she did, sometimes I frowned. I did not understand all of her and she began to intimidate me, with the way she lived unashamed and unapologetic. That’s why I had to pull her back down inside, if she carried on it will be me would has to handle the rest. The way I repressed he was telling her this is not the person I am. I made her feel bad to be her. So she quietly went in.
When I was back in control I found myself reaching for her in situations; the pressures of daily life would take its toll and I’d call for her. Watching her suddenly became my way of getting high. For a few minutes I could be bold, initiative, creative, passionate and lovely.
After a while I decided I did not want to live only having glimpses of her. I wanted to be her always. So overnight I released her and threw away the keys. I am still around, we became one. She takes action and I make sure she doesn’t cross boundaries that are for her safety; but I sometimes still try to keep her down through fear but then she raises me up through love.
Sorry I am still talking like she is someone else; my alter ego no longer exists. I am her, walking tall and flying full with imagination; the truest version of myself. Loving and accepting all the different sides of myself and no longer wishing I could be something more.