You Shouldn’t Have…

Any Doctor who fans out there? I just re-watched the ‘Waters on Mars’ episode and it’s got me thinking about my levels of mad. I’m not telling you what happened in the episode I don’t do spoilers, read ‘Mystery any day!’ where I explain why, so go watch it on Netflix.

I like to take lessons from everything and for me that episode showed me how rules and paths can be burdens, then when you try to break out sometimes you do something you should not. It has happened to me before, the pressure gets high and I fell out of my wits. In order to not feel powerless I try to hold on to anything and take as much control as possible. Then I make it worse because I pick negative things as my power source and there are consequences in place for such actions.

You break those boundaries that keep you safe, because you wanted to see what happens if they weren’t there.

That age old question of How far is too far?

When do you realise you’ve crossed a line? The first time you injure someone or when there’s no one left around you? Either way people stop looking at you the same because they do not understand how you could cause such havoc intentionally.

The truth is I was tired, I’d seen too much suffering and lost so much and things did not look like they would be getting better soon. So in my attempt to protect what was left I crossed lines. The anxieties and fears had gotten too much and I could not see what was real and what was inside my head. Just wanting to save anything I try to find things I can control; arguing with family, getting into wrong relationships, leaving my passions. Why do I do it?

I’ve gone mad I tell you, I choose the ultimate self-sabotage plan because I can control the results. I can control my downfall.

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