I spent months thinking about what it would be like when I finally received the thing I was after. Expecting that everything was going to change, it was going to bring me a shot of life. However, when it arrived, it seemed to have forgotten the happiness on the side; my reward for remaining patience.
I was aware that receiving this blessing would require work for me to utilise it to the potential it can be, but I still thought I would feel something intangible for its presence. After all I had completed a rather difficult trial period so a sense of achievement, pride, victory. Something, but I felt nothing. My hopes that I would feel complete as it was something that would make me better were shattered.
The gift of happiness was what I was truly seeking and to not have acquired it along with the things it made me bitter. I did not appreciate the fact that I could even do what I waited months for, because I had gone numb. It was my last chance, I told myself one year was all I would get and the year is up. I went into energy saving mode, my mind on autopilot and everything from that point became a chore. The few things that gave me pleasure left along with my hope and I was stuck in stillness.
One night I went to sleep and had a new dream; I was alone and I was laughing.
That was when I became aware that material things, relationship status and achievements would not bring me happiness even with pure intentions. There was something deeper I needed to fix, so that I could enjoy the opportunities that life offered. I need to reach that alone and laughing point, until then people and things won’t satisfy me.
The next day I began to write and the more I do the closer I get to being self sufficient and whole. It is what I do to live.