The truth is I’m bored. I’ve been going through the motions long enough, doing things because I think it’s what’s expected from me.
I want to enjoy my work, expecting I won’t like every part of it but to feel fulfilled from what I do. I desire meaningful friendships not hanging out with people out of loneliness and also not doing pointless recreation to kill time.
With everything I want to know there is movement, heading towards a destination. If the outcome is unclear the process becomes tedious, because I won’t have a reason to hold on.
There is something I want, a goal, an ambition. The route may not be perfect but there must be a finish line, something that I can measure. Without one I’ll work and work and never be satisfied because I am hitting many balls without counting how many were home runs. I decided to get a bat and keep hitting till I achieve something I set for myself.
When I finally make a home run, I can update and take into the account what it took to get there and what was gained and lost. After that I can set a new end mark, maybe hit two home runs in a row.
Next time reaching for that will be easier because I have some experience now. There is still work to be done but understanding and planning will be more precise. I’ll know timing and direction.
I will get there. I just need to figure out what there is first. That means I need to stop hopping about from one thing to another. Get the end in sight and start batting.