This month I carried out a 30day challenge to heal from a broken heart but also to reorganise my priorities. There is less than a week left and I don’t understand why I don’t have my life together yet. Haha like I sorta kinda thought that my determination would have driven me to someplace acceptable and I could maybe sorta kinda show off my achievement.
The start of the month was nice and refreshing; I got so much done with the new motivation for change I had, however, getting close to the end of the month I started to feel I was hanging on for my dear life. I began to wish that this month would not end because I was not where I wanted to be, I needed more time.
See I set out to fix everything that was wrong with me this month, because I have something to prove to everyone who hurt or has ever doubted me; they cannot see me down any longer. I was determined that by day 30 I would be able to look in the eyes of those around me and say “I’m doing good” for the first time without it being a lie. People were starting to lose faith in me thinking I did not have a plan and I would always be unstable, so they began forcing their ideas onto me.
In order to not admit defeat, to not have to confess that I am still stumbling through life I need to be okay and I need to have things around my belt to support the statement. I can’t show face without something, with a medal they will have to praise me.
More importantly than all of them though, I have to something to prove to myself. I want to be able to know for myself I am progressing and not stunted. I want to be the person I dream of, and do all I set out to do. Asking this month to fix me completely was too much, I am aware of that but that’s how desperate I am to not remain like this anymore.