Even if I tell you not to do that thing, you will. I know you will because I did too. There is something that causes you to move and go even though you have heard warnings. Was it because you thought somehow you could change the situation to not end up like how it is predicted? Maybe you did not have such motivations of improvement and you simply wanted to experience it for yourself because that is what living means to you?
From the beginning I was unsure what the result would be, all I knew was that I wanted it and I would do anything to get it. Now I still find myself saying “I’d do it all again”, the heart ache has not caused me to change my mind about what took place and how. If I could go back in time I know I would not stop myself from doing it, those memories are mine regardless of how it ended. Those moments will live forever in my heart, and removing them would be to steal life from myself.
Without it I would not have known how far I would really go. In my head I always thought I would never act in various manners, but it took confronting certain situations to reveal what is in me that I try to hide and ignore.
Being with him was breaking free, pushing the walls back and running straight past the gate because he was the key that opened it. Finally rescued from my dull life of routine. He was home, he became a place that sheltered me from the outside. He was acceptance, because the parts of me that I thought would scare people away if they really knew did not even make him flinch. I used to never look around me or look up at the sky but when we were together we watched the stars and talked about how beautiful the scenery looked. He always transported me into another world, our own little world where being us was possible.
I knew the way we went about it was not great, but I never felt we were wrong. The mistakes we made because of the intensity of the relationship were not intentional. We could not see that we were being consumed slowly, because all we could see was each other and the moment before us.
Us breaking up was the best thing to happen to me. It showed me all the little ways I took you for granted, the ways I would manipulate you to get what I wanted and the way I never really knew you at all. All the things I did to receive satisfaction, I was almost using you to fill my ego. I could not communicate with you my fears and how I felt jealous of you and your life. Then I’d play victim when things did not go my way because I knew you would say sorry. I loved the drama, it was more exciting when I was worrying instead of when everything was going well. If we had not broken up I would have continued the way I was, slowing hurting you while you hurt me.
It wasn’t a pleasant end so much anger. I felt peacefully after it though, because I knew it was not meant to be in the way we were doing it. I do not think I have figured it all out. But, next time. If it is possible we could start again. I know I’ll love you better because I know what it feels like to not be with you. I know I’ll focus on me and sharing our lives together instead of trying to become apart of yours thinking I did not need one for myself. I know I will be honest about the things I am going through instead of burying it then exploding at a random time.
I’ve seen that love is not enough for a relationship to last. I’ve seen how two people can say the right things but act so wrong.
Still I’d do it all again because I’ve seen when two people love each other.
It’s worth it all.