Hey everyone, Merry Christmas to those who celebrate and Happy Holidays to those who don’t. I hope you are having a restful day after the busy period. I have one more family event to appear at today before I go back into hibernation.
This year Christmas has come and passed like any other day, like most Christmas experiences I’ve had in the past as I’ve never enjoyed it. I did try to look beyond and inside Christmas but still it was very anti-climactic. I was miserable from the moment I woke up as I was feeling unwell and a little depressed thinking about all the people that are no longer in my life. When you are sensitive person that bottles every pain and hurt, littles things can make them pour out in excess. Yesterday morning it was waking up on Christmas day with the absence of love and thinking life has forgotten about me.
I was in an emotional state, it was Christmas day and there was a schedule that forced spending time with people when I really wanted to just be alone in my self-pity. Being low and fed up, meant easily triggered and I had one of the worse Christmas mornings. There was a loud aggressive argument at my house; it started because I was being rushed even though it was not my fault I was the last to shower, we only have one bathroom! Then relatives called saying they are waiting for us which meant everyone was waiting for me to get ready. Not being in the mood and getting tired of people shouting at me I said I wasn’t going because people kept blaming me. Suddenly I am at the firing end of vicious words from my sister; the nicest thing she called me was a spoilt 10-year-old brat. I begin to cry from the fact that I was not doing well already, and everything just seemed to overwhelm me.
Then when the cab came, my family got in and headed off to Christmas at one of our relatives in silence. When we got there, I had to pretend I was fine, but I spent most of the day sitting alone. I would have rather stayed at home, but my mother said it was bad for appearances. I had a miserable Christmas and I know most of it was my choice and how I reacted to things. I just could not shake my disappointment off, all my negatives thoughts that have been buried come before me and I still did not know how to deal with them.
They did not magically disappear like I had been hoping and praying for. There was none of that Christmas aura that turns everything around like it happens in the movies, I did not get a Christmas miracle. I was angry that I did not receive the only gift I was concerned with, Christmas came, and it did not snow in my heart.
I’m going to stop avoiding these things, they have crept up again; draining me and still my focus. I am the only one who can handle them, I’m not going to keep wishing them away and do my best to get it together.