Hey everyone, if you’ve read some of my pervious posts you will find that I have mentioned that last year did not end well for me. ‘Blind-sided and caught off guard’. When I talk about it, I describe it as a sudden attack; but it was not. I was knocked down unexpectedly because I did not look underneath the surface, I had false hope without knowing what things meant or required from me.
I have thought about how I am really doing and why I am where I currently am. To understand sickness better we don’t just look at the symptoms; but we diagnose, analysing what is making you sick and where the root of it is. Feeling angry, confused, frustrated, tired and more for weeks on end thinking it would go away lead to further distress and dissatisfaction. My main struggle has been dealing with the fact that I think my life is not progressing, it looked stagnant last month, but now it is showing signs of regression. Which is causing all the alarms in my head to go off.
Reflecting and weighing up the different stages of my year showed me that if I had looked properly it was all in front, and I would have seen it coming. Looking back can be painful, and I was reluctant to get honest about everything. I am sharing with you brief outlines to help me better understand the situation.
Clock said New Year:
I had a few friends that I thought were real solid and had been there for me the previous year with the things I allowed them to see. It was a shaky beginning, because I knew this was a life changing year and I did not know if I had it in me to make the steps. The desperation to just get by meant that I was doing thing because I thought it would look right; not considering whether it was right for me. I said the right things, repeating word for word the script I practiced that I knew would impress. Fake it till you make it. I let people walk over me and I did not speak my mind, the mask I wore never came off.
Summer Time High:
There is something about sun shine and short shorts that make the atmosphere buzz. After the challenging few months things were settling. In front of me was a secure path that I worked for. I had got rid of certain fears and I was selfish and living only corned about my needs. Trying to be something was too stressful, so I wanted to do anything I liked that felt right. I had everything I wanted, or it was on the way. Consumed by the intensity of the new me I let values slide.
October, ghosts appearing:
I left a burden that I had been wrestling with suddenly because I got insulted and all the anger came out in full. To self-cleanse I stopped talking to people even the good ones. I was not focusing on the new opportunity I had spent months waiting for because it was not what I expected and did not put in effort to see if things would turn around; I gave up, as fighting to hold on was draining. The person I thought would always be there for me distanced themselves and I said some things out of anger; silence fell from that moment on.
I have a breakdown. I had no plans or goals, because I stopped working on them a few months ago. My friendships were rocky, I did not trust people anymore and with the holidays I felt lonely. There were points in the year when everything was great but now I had nothing. I can see how my own hands paved this way, I am the great pretender self-saboteur.
After confronting my year and some of my issues, I was ready to stop the aimless route I was on. Some of the situations may not have ended sour if I made better decisions earlier in the year.
When things made me unhappy I would bottle them in, and then suddenly I would explode from sadness and anger; I would act on my impulse and make permeant decisions from a temporary feeling. Communication and honesty would have saved a lot of misunderstandings but instead confusion ruled. That is why I started ‘sfjTheOutcome’, because I know there are many things that come that we do not control, but if we focus on our choices, reaction and attitude we can turn it into something that works for us.
I am hoping that 2018 will be the year I stop walking backwards and see things coming. I want to become self-aware and handle situations as they happen, instead of avoiding them and waiting to see it they fix themselves or go away. I want to become more genuine with what I do and how I do it, not try to fit into what I think would be acceptable and what others expect. I want to make sure I am true to myself without getting consumed by selfishness; to allow people who give the same energy into my life without restrictions.
Thank you for reading this post, share your goals for 2018 with me. I am a creative writer and life blogger, sharing my journey through words. If you want to know more about me then visit the blog page, leave a comment or contact me on social media Instagram and Twitter ‘sfjtheoutcome’.