This year I decided to get a little selfish about looking after myself. The step I have taken is to put boundaries in place in my life so I do not crash and burn suddenly. My mental and emotional stability is so important. I am constantly pushing it to the back and never really dealing with my needs which lead me to a slump. I do not wish to continue that way.
I used to think me going out of my way for others, and constantly sacrificing was because it was the right thing to do in order to be a good person. Good deeds are great and show selflessness. Helping others actually makes me happy.
Draining my energy is my problem. I do not know where to draw lines. Others receive my full cup of water and I leave for myself only a few droplets. Instead of turning into the Good Samaritan, I became a half dead zombie. I became cold and judgmental towards other I thought were not doing enough. I became resentful and blamed the people I was helping.
I’ve recently learned the reason that I used to do things even though I knew it would be too much of a strain on me was because I was looking for validation. This was not a good reason to keep me going through thick and thin. The search for validation left me more insecure and alone.
Looking to be validated by God, family, friends I worked and worked for approval. Doing and doing because I wanted someone to say they were proud of me and loved me.
Love should not have been something I had to constantly work for. Striving and losing myself for acceptance.
My journey started a fresh with changing my belief about God. God loves me unconditionally and He wants the best for me and wants me to be generous towards others. God had equipped me for a life bigger than just myself. So I now do things with a bigger picture in mind. I now move not looking for love but from love.
There is peace that comes with knowing that the right people who are for you will stick by you. Not needing to force things because they already love and care for me.
Not everyone is happy that I became free though. People still try to manipulate me into thinking I need to work for their approval. They do not respect my no’s and think I owe them.
Regardless of those people I will continue to stand and live to be generous and help others through my new foundation and not let others steal my peace and joy.