They All Leave Me…

Hey everyone, today I wanted to talk a little about my relationship problems. Honestly I have difficulties maintaining lasting ships (friendships and relationships). It is a real struggle for me and no matter the methods  things fall apart and I am left behind. With everyone that left I experienced the sadness of loss and hurt of rejection because they did not choose me.

The rejection I experience overwhelms me each time with despair and I never totally get over it. Being left became my biggest fear and I seem to have fallen into an endless cycle of it. The first thing I think when I meet new people is “I wonder when they will leave me” and after they do I say “another one who’s gone and I’m not surprised”. This thought process is so damaging and was only getting worse.

Accepting that a ship has ended and dealing with it properly by understanding the facts is important for me to see the patterns and try breakout of it. I realised that sometimes it was due to my own insecures that caused me to pull away and distance myself, because I felt I didn’t fit in.  Sometimes my friends simply made new friends and spent all their time with them; they only called when they had problems and when the problems stopped so did the calls. Honestly as well the guy that said he didn’t want to be in a relationship then got a girlfriend within 3 months just didn’t see me properly and found someone who he wanted.

Instead of getting down in the dumps about those guys never valuing me it’s better to let go. From what I have seen when I stalked these ghosts, all of them seem to be surrounded by people (it’s not healthy to stalk people from the past, I don’t recommend it as it makes you feel worse). I remind myself that it is better this way, you deserve to be around people who care about the memories and want to make new ones just as much as you do. If you constantly have to force things all you’ll ever wonder is where you really stand. It is good that they have found people they can settle with, even though it’s not you it is still good.

Here’s the thing I haven’t found a way to get rid of all the negative feelings completely, but I am working on it. I don’t want to live on because I don’t have another choice, I actually want to be excited and happy about where I am now. I love people and I do need them. In the past they have broken my heart and left me. Regardless of what they did I reminded kind and helpful; never forgetting that is the type of person I want to be.

With Valentine’s day coming up I was getting sad thinking about everything. I had to be my own cheerleader and encourage myself. The truth is I am alone again, but right now it is better like this than to be with someone who does not see me. Even though it is hard I would rather be alone than have someone by my side and still feel lonely.

Thank you for reading this post. I hope everyone finds some sort of peace this season with wherever they are.

Jem xx

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