I Haven’t Moved On

Hey everyone, if you ask all the girls that I used to know they would tell you one thing about me. I’m obsessed with Boys, it’s not even that I like to date alot it’s simple just I loved talking about Boys; from boy bands to random guys I see on the street, fantasing about romance. I was known for my determination in wanting a particular type of relationship and at a particular time (married at 19 and if you’ve read my about me you know I’m 20).

Obviously I have been unsuccessful with a my attempts; either potential hubby didn’t even notice me, just saw me as a friend or found someone else. After each heart break everyone knew I’d be on to the next target shortly once I’d recovered. They always knew I’d move on. I used to always move. But this time I’m not. I haven’t moved on since the last guy and that’s because I don’t want to.

Part of it is because I never liked the term “move on”, how do you move on from something that wasn’t supposed to end and swore was irreplaceable?
Also I hate when people say “get over it, you’ll find someone better, you’re so great they didn’t deserve you” 1) Don’t tell me to get over it like it’s a flu and 2) If I’m so great why don’t they work out with me?.
What I’ve noticed about myself is that I was always just hopping from one to the other, and it’s really an endless rebound cycle.
So that’s why I’m not going to move on this time.

Even though I know they’ve moved on, its not going to make me want to win the break up by proving who’s doing better with their new partner. I can’t be with the person I want to be so I’ll get on with my life, do what I love and find new experiences; but not because I’m trying to move on. I am not waiting for them to return, I still care for them but I will not long for them like I used to. I met someone and they changed my life, it didn’t work out, but it was still special to me. I want to hold on to those memories a while longer, I’m not in a rush to forget or change since the way I am now makes me happy; I’m already making self improvements and I volunteer lots because I enjoy helping people. So there really isn’t anything I’m desperately trying to change in order to one up them.

I am not going to force myself to get over it, I always feel more miserable when I try that. This time I’m not moving on and I don’t want to. I would rather focus on dealing with the hurt that remains and figuring out what I need in a relationship. I’ll come to terms with the broken plans we made and not resent or regret them. Time will heal but won’t give me amnesia, so I’m not going to bury my feelings.

I won’t pretend that I don’t miss him still, but I can live without him. One day I won’t miss him as much. One day I’ll be at peace. One day I’ll turn it into a book, since I’m a writer I’ll use the experience. But…for now I don’t want to move on.

Thank you for reading, I hope everyone can  be at peace with wherever they are. I am really trying to learn how to be alone and not lonely; embracing the time I have now not rushing to find someone else.

Jem xx

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