Hey everyone, when my plans don’t fall together in the time frame I expected I start to feel defeated; mainly because I don’t know how long I can keep going. Something must have happened to severely delay or there is a roadblock and I get confused.
The first thing I think is that it’s my fault, I didn’t work hard enough and I should have done more. Then I look at myself, my tired eyes and weight loss; I see there is nothing left within me to give and I can’t do anymore more both physically and emotionally. The results infront of me show that I’m not doing enough, so I want to do more, but I just don’t have the strength. It looks like my efforts are in vain and moving forward is not possible, since I cannot give enough.
If you have ever felt this way before or are currently battling through it I wanted to share my story so you know it’s not just you. For three years I made scarifies in order to just grow and become some one great, I didn’t do what other people my age did. I made many mistakes during that time, but I made sure to always tried to fix them when I was able to. I was organised, driven and passionate; and I did all I could to get there.
However, at the start of this year I looked at my life and saw I had nothing tangible to show for it. From what I saw it didn’t look like I had been doing anything the past few years. I was aware that somethings take time, but I honestly thought by now I would have a little of it; just to reassure me that where I was heading is right.
The dreams I had at 16 that I swore by 20 would be living in as my reality were still just a dream. Getting older (yes I know I am still young) made me second guess myself, why hasn’t it happened yet and am I not working hard enough?
After crying to my mum (it was so random, like I just snapped, cause sometimes it just gets too much) about my feelings she did the motherly thing and encouraged me with positive reaffirming words. Honestly, sometimes I don’t belive the things she says about me because I don’t see that person when I look in the mirror.
When she says I’m kind, smart and I’m doing well; I remember the times I lose my temper, the thing that I haven’t figured out that is frustrating me and the fact that I am not where I want to be. When she says I need to speak right and everything will work out eventually; I reply I have already spoken right, but I don’t know what else to say and there was a time for everything to work out and it’s passed.
When I talked to my mum it helped because I had someone who was watching tell me it’s not as bad as I think.
When you know you’re doing all you can, start seeing it as enough. I am looking at it as the room is big, I filled all I can and there is still more space, which means there is so much potential; a larger room is better than being boxed in and limited.
At another time I can go back and keep filling more of the room. There is still another time, even if it’s not the time I scheduled. Right now I’ll focus on refueling. My time will come!
Thank you all for reading, it’s never a finished process adjusting perspective.