The truth is I did love them more than I loved myself.
I loved what I thought they could free me from.
If I have the attention of the person I desired,
I won’t have to be alone with myself.
My imagination would be too consumed with thoughts of ‘our’ future together;
The wedding, the house, the jobs and and…
It is more tangible than watching tv or reading.
It lasts longer and it never has to really stop.
It carries on until the relationship ends.
Then there’s a short break until you find another one.
I don’t want it to stop.
It protects me from having to deal with the real issues.
I do not love myself.
I do not like to think about myself.
Thoughts about will I make it,
Or am I successful?
I would rather focus on does he love me?
If he can affirm my existence its fine even if my dreams are failing.
Even if my dreams are failing because I let them slip by myself.
I let them slip by, because I was scared;
My dreams scare me.
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